3 Mistakes We Make When We Gather
How to Reclaim Your Gathering Powers
The new hires at an architecture firm experience their first employee mixer as “awkward” and “isolating.” A woman spends much of her baby shower wishing her partner were there to hear their loved ones’ words of wisdom. A media team gathers to celebrate the debut of a film they all worked so hard on, but without toasts or a moment of recognition, some leave wondering whether they mattered to the host (which of course, they did).
Why do some gatherings take off and others don’t? What is the difference between a reunion where people are grateful to have attended, and one that makes you think, “I traveled all this way for that?”
Gathering artfully is a practice. And getting better means being relentlessly curious about when and why things go right — but even more so, when and why they don’t.
As we enter fall, I wanted to share with you the three most common mistakes we keep making when we gather (myself included). And what to try instead.
Gathering Mistake #1: Pleasing over purpose.
Sounds like: Who am I to tell my guests "no"? I don’t want to come across as un-generous.
A few years ago, I hosted a Friendsgiving. At the last minute, one of the guests texted and said he would be late to dinner, and also could he bring his mother? In trying to be nice – it was his mother! – I didn’t ask any follow-up questions. I didn’t ask how late. I didn’t think to ask if he’d join for the meal. He showed up at the end of dinner, when the group was deep in conversation. Introducing two more people threw off the dynamic that had slowly but surely formed over two hours. His mother was confused about why she was there. (Turned out they just came from a Thanksgiving dinner.) In trying to be nice, I was neither protecting my friend nor the evening.
I wish I had said, “It’s kind of a whole thing. Would absolutely love to have your mother if you can make it for the full evening. But I also completely get if that’s not possible. I love you so much. If not possible this time around, let’s hang out soon!”
Solution: Practice generous authority for the good of the group, including ahead of time.
Gathering Mistake #2: Assuming that the more is always the merrier.
Sounds like: I mean, obviously we’d invite so-and-so.
A group of entrepreneurs want to host a “networking night.” Without thinking too much about it, they send the invitation far and wide: colleagues, clients, friends with an interest in their corner of the tech industry. On the night of the event, dozens of people show up, but the room is sort of a grab bag. It turns out that some of the guests are competitors and feel slightly blindsided. Others don’t know the hosts — or anyone else — and sip Diet Pepsi in the corner. Some guests have clearly known each other for years and spend the whole evening catching up. The night doesn’t have the crackle the hosts were hoping for.
Solution: Make “purpose” your bouncer. (And do so with care.)
Want to know how? Read more here.
Gathering Mistake #3: Leaving the guests to fend for themselves.
Sounds like: I don’t want to impose on the guests. Let the party take a life of its own!
A relative of mine recently flew to India for his 50th school reunion. He’d been enthusiastically recruited by other alumni, and his friends were going. After some convincing, he decided, “What the hell. I’ll make the trip.” Over 60 alumni flew in from multiple countries, but when they arrived, everyone was just kind of…milling around. The organizers had focused their efforts on recruitment and had assumed that the group would just kind of gel on arrival. My relative had imagined nights of stories and reflections and singing and maybe even cricket! But everyone just kind of caught up on their own. He came home deflated because it felt like a missed opportunity for all of them.
Solution: Find just the right amount of structure for a group to take off.
Want to know how? Read more here and here.
***
Don’t worry if this feels overwhelming. I still flub it up regularly. But I’m endlessly curious about what works and why. If this feels like a lot, start by just observing. The next time you’re at a gathering that works, ask yourself why it’s working. What, specifically, is making the gathering sing? And start your own gathering practice by being a really good guest.
For the next few months, as we start to think about the holiday season for many — or reflect on the Holy Days that just passed — I’ll be focusing on what it actually means to make a gathering meaningful.
How do we shift the focus from the stuff to the people?
As ever,
Priya
ICYMI
Planning an event this season? One way to shift the way you gather your people is to get curious about what makes a gathering come alive — what works, what doesn’t, and why. The Art of Gathering Digital Course is a 6-week online learning experience created to guide you through the process of planning and hosting intentional gatherings in the workplace, in your communities, and for special occasions. Start developing your artful gathering practice today.
✨Register now through October 3rd and use your special fall discount code COMMUNITY25 for 25% off. Click here to transform your gatherings this season.✨
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