Why the More is Not Always the Merrier
5 Reasons to Embrace Generous Exclusion
A friend of mine works in the theater world and is part of a large, fluid community where the general attitude is almost always “the more the merrier.” His 40th birthday was approaching, and he knew he wanted a smaller birthday celebration full of the people he felt particularly close to. He was more at ease in smaller groups and where there was lots of space to have one-on-one conversations. But his friends were all friends with each other. Could he gather differently this time to mark a big birthday in a way that would nourish him but might be different than what others might do?
He needed to figure out a logic to the inviting that he could own if push came to shove, and someone asked. He decided to invite only the friends he had spent meaningful one-on-one time with in the past year. He figured it was a good proxy for mutual interest and effort. And it would give him a size that felt manageable and exciting to him for an all-day all-night pool party.
To create his guest list, my friend practiced what I call generous exclusion. Generous exclusion is the intentional drawing of a temporary line for the good of the guests and to help activate and fulfill a gathering's purpose. Far too often, in the name of inclusion and generosity — two values I care about deeply — we fail to draw boundaries around who belongs at a gathering and why. And generous exclusion — creating that boundary and trusting it — can be done with great care. By closing the door, you create the room. Here are five reasons why.
1) Generous exclusion helps clarify and distill your gathering’s purpose.?
A biotech firm’s legal team recently asked to join a product development meeting so they could flag any potential legal issues. The product manager said no. "The purpose of this meeting is to dream up ideas, and not think of risks just yet,” he explained with a smile. “When we’re ready to identify potential risks in the plan — which is what I trust you to have my back on and you do so well — you'll get the first invitation. But right now, that’s not the lens we need at this moment in the process,” he said. Rather than just knee-jerk including them, he took the time to think through the purpose of the meeting and then, with warmth and care, defended it. It was purposeful, not personal.
2) Generous exclusion helps us locate who the gathering is really for (and can build demand for other gatherings).
I recently learned about a monthly support group for “young adult” brain cancer survivors aged 18 to 40. The group often receives interest from people outside the age range, the co-founder and co-facilitator told me, but they “made the choice to be very intentional about holding that boundary to preserve the specialness of that group.” Often, interested members outside that age range understand but feel disappointed. About a year ago, the co-founder “decided to never again turn someone away without offering them some options for other warm places to land.” The group proactively researched and identified a handful of “Aging Out” groups they never knew existed, and now make “a warm handoff in a vulnerable moment.” They found a way to hold their line with care.
3) Generous exclusion protects your guests *and* the purpose.
The Pixar “Braintrust” is a famed team meeting developed to help the company's storytellers workshop new ideas for future films. Over years of tweaking and experimenting, it’s designed to help a group of creatives take risks together, critique one another, and collectively find creative magic. Soon after rejoining the company, Steve Jobs asked the president, Ed Catmull, if he could attend the famed meeting. Catmull said no. As documented in his book, Creativity, Inc., Catmull explained that if Jobs made an appearance, the team would start performing for him and their finely tuned dynamic would go out the window. Jobs got it. In excluding him, Catmull protected the purpose of the meeting in a way that got Jobs not just to understand, but to buy into the meeting’s shared purpose.
4) Generous exclusion helps us locate what the host is actually offering and their best and highest use.
A woman recently started offering a creative writing class for kids. Her vision was to help young children develop story-telling skills. “There were a couple of parents who messaged me saying their kids love to tell stories orally, but were still learning letter formation, and I had to say no,” she told me. Though at first it felt odd saying no, she knew that she would be pulled into too many directions as a teacher if she had to also help children physically write down their stories. She drew a line to not include children who couldn’t yet physically write on their own. As the teacher, her skill (and interest) was in the storytelling part of writing. If she allocated limited time in the class to help the kids write down their stories, it would detract from the time available to focus on the actual craft of storytelling and alter the rest of the class’s experience. By thinking through her priorities for the gathering — teaching the skill of storytelling to children — she was able to better understand where to draw a line that best brought her skills to the forefront.
5) Generous exclusion can lead to transformative and educative conversations with those not there who want to be.
A groom-to-be and his partner were planning for a small, intimate wedding: just immediate family. 20 people total. The groom’s brother asked if his mother-in-law (the groom’s sister-in-law’s mother) could attend to make his wife more comfortable. The bride was against it, in part because she had many aunts and cousins that they intentionally excluded. The rest of the family kept pressuring them to make an exception, but the couple held strong. This was their circle of trust, not their brother’s. And they’re different circles. And that’s OK. She ended up calling the sister-in-law’s mother herself, to explain their decision. “She was gracious about it, and the entire experience really set the tone in our marriage and with extended families,” the bride told me later. The couple carved out space for new patterns based on their needs and desires for their wedding, while maintaining connection and open communication with their loved ones.
"It's purposeful, not personal."
When my friend in the theater sent out the 40 invitations for his 40th birthday party, a few friends who had gotten wind of the party reached out to ask why they hadn’t been invited. He explained his line — “a meaningful interaction in the past year” — and in a few cases, this line opened the door for connection. One friend said, “Wow, I hadn't realized it's been so long. I would still love to celebrate with you. Can I take you out for a meal?” Counterintuitively, generous exclusion can lead us to have the conversations we need to reset a relationship and find new ways of being together.
You can do this, too.
1. Get clear on your purpose. When we don’t know why we’re gathering, we can over-include.
2. Determine who would help most fulfill the purpose this time.
3. Think through a way to explain (if you choose to and you feel you want to) the logic of the line with care.
4. Stand by your convictions with openness and honesty. By articulating that purpose with care and trust, you’re protecting your guests’ time and experience, and creating a culture of intention (and permission) for others to do the same.
5. And when you might find yourself on the opposite end of the stick, be a generous non-guest and defend a host’s right to thoughtfully define a gathering.
The art of gathering is an invitation to become more thoughtful about how you spend your time and with whom, and to make those choices with care.
As always,
Priya
New YouTube Series!
Guess what? We're on YouTube. And, I roped in my favorite person to talk with me about a gathering full of purpose and full of... conflict. Weddings.
Whether you’re planning a wedding or not, I’d appreciate so much your help spreading the word. Come visit! Subscribe to the channel and comment with the topics you’d like to see more of in the future!
Inspirations
The Healing Effects of Social Connection
Well before the pandemic hit, the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared a loneliness epidemic. Now, as President Biden’s USSG, Dr. Murthy just released a groundbreaking report on “The Healing Effects of Social Connection” Want to know how to cure loneliness? Design for social connection. Dr. Murthy is a powerful advocate for connecting the science of social connection to national policy and we are so here for it.
The Nearness
You may already know the work of Casper ter Kuile. He co-wrote the wonderful How We Gather report and is the author of The Power of Ritual. He has now launched The Nearness, a new project for people interested in exploring spirituality in community outside of religious institutions. You can learn more here.
Leading in an Age of Employee Activism
In one of my favorite pieces from the past year, Megan Reitz and John Higgins grapple with rising employee activism in organizations and what leaders can and should do about these changing power dynamics. Required reading for facilitators, managers, trainers, and advisors working through the murky waters of organizational change.
